By: Debbie Anderson
I was at the Toronto Y a few Saturdays ago, attending a day called “Soulspa”, run by Judy Steed. One of our discussions was about our Inner Critics. It reminded me I should get to know mine better! Because the more familiar I am with it, the better I will be at witnessing and dissolving the damage it does! Let me explain.
The inner critic begins as a survival mechanism. When we’re children, part of our parents’ job is to teach us socially acceptable behavior. Even the best parents inevitably curb our natural instincts.
This makes us feel that there must be something innately wrong with us, and it hurts or shames us. In order to avoid future pain, we start telling ourselves what’s wrong with us before others in our world get around to it.
Our self-esteem and self image are developed by how we talk to ourselves. We also have an inner voice that has our best interest at heart. Listen to the good inner voice. How we respond to our good inner voice determines how we feel. When we don’t listen we feel bad. When we follow its lead with faith that it is guiding us towards what is best for us, we feel good.First, it is important to recognize that the most commonly used strategy — trying to ignore or suppress your inner critic — simply doesn’t work.
In fact, ignoring unpleasant thoughts and emotions leads to a rebound effect, increasing their intensity and frequency.
Rather than suppress your emotions, acknowledge that they are real, whether justifiable or not.The trick to dealing with your inner critic is to develop a balanced relationship with it: to not ignore or avoid it and the emotions it raises, but to also not allow yourself to be bullied by it.
Easier said than done? Try the following steps:
Catch him in the act and examine your inner critic. Ask it: “Where do you come from?” This might feel awkward at first, but speaking internally with your critic is a valid psychological technique that encourages you to think objectively. Not all inner critics come from our childhoods. We’re influenced by many factors, including competition with our peers, the media, our relationships with our spouses, and our own attitudes about winning and losing. Once you hear your inner critic and know your vulnerable times you can then learn how to “turn off” and disarm it..
Talk back and get angry at the inner critic: Here are some examples of how to talk back:
This is poison. Stop it!
This is poison. Stop it! These are lies. These are lies my father/mother/other told me. No more put-downs. Shut up! Get off my back! Stop this garbage!
Note: Choose a short statement that helps you feel angry. It’s good to get mad. (use profanity if you feel like it) Mentally scream at the critic so that you can drown him out with your anger and indignation.
Understand that your inner critic can actually help you. Your inner critic has evolved to help you set and meet high expectations. If you’re open to it (which is not the same as believing everything it tells you) then you can learn from it. Like a good coach, your inner critic reminds you that knowledge and capability are important. Ask it: “How will you help me achieve success in the task ahead?”
Act in spite of your inner critic.
You can learn from your inner critic, but be careful to not give it too much power.
Find and maintain the right distance — keep it close enough to be useful, but not so close that it gets in your way. As soon as you hear your inner critic complaining, acknowledge the information — but always ask: is my inner critic helping me or hurting me? If what it’s telling you saps your confidence, then ask it to step aside and continue on your way.
And one little quote before you go….
“Self-worth cannot be verified by others. You are worthy because YOU say it is so. If you depend on others for your value, it is ‘other-worth’.”
Dr. Wayne Dyer
Gathered from the following websites:
http://talentdevelop.com/articles/innercritic.html
http://www.positive-way.com/stopping%20your%20inner%20critic.htm
http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2010/01/how_to_quiet_your_inner_critic.html
& the book “Taming Your Gremlin” by Rick Carson, 2003, Harper-Collins
Blog:
This blog can also be viewed at www.debbieandersonarttherapy.com
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3 Responses to this article
Such wisdom! Thinking, saying and acting kind to oneself is the change needed to make life so much more fun!
When you feel good on the inside you develop “teflon skin” that let the little things slide off, and the bigger things seem smaller. It’s all easier to handle because you know you have guaranteed love from the infinite well of love within you.
A fantastic article.
Personally my inner voice often gets the better of me. I have to physically stop what I am doing and repeat this mantra that was given to me by my Naturopath. It goes like this:
Althea I love you, Althea I respect you, Althea you are beautiful, Althea I thank-you!
Repeating this mantra makes me realize that the negatives my inner voice is saying are not valid!
It works for me. Try it.
As Debbie says “You are worthy because YOU say it is so. If you depend on others for your value, it is ‘other-worth”.
Love this piece. I too have a “mindspeak” ritual. It comes from questioning where those “inner thoughts” come from, and what the basis of the thought is. I ask, “Is this really true”? Challenging your “inner speak” is wonderful if you can understand that EVERY action and reaction is a choice. Every single one. WE need to find it in our hearts to forgive ourselves for what we have done and for what we haven’t accomplished yet, and start New everyday. Make every morning a new day / a new start.
If you didn’t love yourself enough yesterday, Do it today!
Challenge the “inner speak” Know where it comes from. Questions whether it’s really true or not. Then move on to making the choice to accept and love yourself! You are truly a gift to this universe! You just sometimes can’t see it, because the “fog” of self deprecation is too thick!