Hmmm what to wear?

By Teresa Power

Hmmm what to wear?

I would just stay here and have a nap next to you if I could

Rest my hand on your fleshy hip

You know that spot that is so soft , so malleable.

Yet I can’t… it’s off to work I go

Now, what to wear, what to wear….

I always thought that being a larger women I could make myself smaller by the clothes that I wore.

Don’t wear anything, bright. You know a closet full of brown, black, navy , beige.

Nothing stylish, you don’t want to stand out so people see how fat you are. You don’t want anything to hug your curves after all. Match the background of the office, you know grey baffles, grey desks, blue patchwork carpeting.

Art by Lady At Large, find on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ladyatlarge

I’ve worked with most of these people anywhere from 6-20 years and I think they know by now that I’m fat! They see me more than my family. However, they are not my family and I don’t want them to see the me that my family sees, the me that my family loves.

Ok so the navy pants, beige blouse and black jacket. That will hide me right?

No wait, something with a bit of a pattern on the top to hide any food that may drop onto these 44 DD’s. Funny how they seem to be a catch all for everything including some eyes…

I don’t want anything that is going to show my tummy, or my butt that sticks out a bit too much some days. Does it change from day to day, JLo vs. Nicky Minaj? Hmmm something to think about.

STOP! WHAT??

I have to hold still for a moment to gather my thoughts. Wow I haven’t thought like that in about 5 years. The years of berating, knocking myself down, conforming to what everyone else wants, what everyone thinks I should be, thinks I should do etc.

It took a lot of mirror talk and I don’t mean the Disney witch, “mirror mirror on the wall” stuff. It took a lot of me, looking AT me, looking FOR me, and seeing me for who I am and for what I am. That I wasn’t just a body shape. That I wasn’t just a number on a tape measure or scale. That I was a beautiful, compassionate, intuitive individual. I have a loving family, I am loved, in love and I do love.

That’s right I’m an individual. I wasn’t part of the “in crowd” or part of the clique I was the “IN” crowd.

I have a friend that fluctuates between size 10 and 12 and I don’t mean shoe size! She once said to me that she loves my confidence. I love my confidence too however I do have to remind myself every now and then that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

I was me, all 283 pounds, size 3x, sometimes 2x, size 9 wide shoe. ( How do women get their toes into those oh so narrow shoes. )

My body shape is what they call “apple”, round in the middle, well you know all the shapes, apple, pear… why are they named after food? After all isn’t it food that got me into this trouble.

Oh how I love food.. ice cream, sweets, cakes, pastries, salads, pasta, vegetables, hmm should I have put veggies first… naw, ice cream is a food group isn’t it? I love all types of food and I love to try all types of food. I’ve tried crocodile, eel, buffalo, crab, but not insects oh no no no … not insects.

I would hear it from those oh loving individuals, “oh you don’t NEED that do you”, “don’t take so much”, “one serving is enough”. Yes they did love me and they still do and I love them very much too. They didn’t realize what they were doing, the emotional hurt that they were putting on me. I found out a lot of it was because they were unsure of themselves, that they were not confident in themselves enough to let me be who I was and who I should be. Sometimes they don’t want to stand out in a crowd and because of my size, when we are together they stand out a little more.

To me it doesn’t matter what I look like, well yes it does matter and to me I am my best.   More days then naught in the past I didn’t feel like it. I felt that I had to be what others thought I should be. You know, lose some weight and you’ll be pretty. The little voice inside me was always saying “but, I am pretty”, and it was a little teeny tiny voice too. Not a very strong and powerful voice like it is today!!

Today, those loving individuals still may fall into their old routine, however I don’t. I’ll hear the occasional comment from a relative or a person that hasn’t seen me in a while and they soon realize that I am not the same person. I may look like the same person on the outside however I am much more confident in myself these days. Oh I don’t have quick answers for them and I’m not snippy however I do let them know that I appreciate their kindness and if I do need help with anything I’ll be sure to get back to them.   My inside voice is shouting at them “get over yourself and see me for who I am not what I look like”.

I wear clothing today that I’m comfortable in and I buy clothing that fits right and of good quality for my office wear. For my home life I have some great pieces of amazing quality and I love the funkiness of them (is that even a word). Now I’m thinking play that funky music… sing with me … play that funky music….

I love colour, bright sunny yellows, evening sunset reds. Mix colours, mix patterns. I’ve heard fat people can’t wear stripes is that because they don’t want to see me in the stripes? So it’s not my problem it’s theirs. Be bold, I stand out anyway so why not look good while I’m doing it.

So today for work lets see…

A beautiful maxi dress with bold purple, orange, yellow printing and a purple bolero jacket for the a/c at the office. If it gets too warm the bolero comes off and yes my “bingo” arms get seen by the office. Love that term bingo arms, my husband mentioned that one day and I couldn’t stop laughing. Then a smashing pair of sandals with this amazing jewellery on the leather, loves me a good pair of shoes! No hiding with the wallflowers today, I’ll be doing some standing out for sure!

If there is something that you want to change about yourself go ahead and do it. Just don’t do it for someone else, do it for yourself. It may not happen all at once, it may take several years or even several retries. Wear that purple top, put on a pair of jeans that show your butt. Someone else thinks you have a pretty cool butt too you know and they like to see it.

My thoughts are be yourself, not someone else. Look inside for who you are. Find yourself, talk to the mirrors!